Years ago, I watched a movie about a man who embarks on a journey to fireproof his marriage, and it left a profound impact on me. Little did I know, years later, when I met my now-husband, we would both reference that very movie and discuss how it had shaped our perspective. We unknowingly started practicing the principles from that movie even before we decided to immigrate. What we didn’t realize then was just how crucial those principles would become in helping us navigate the upheaval of immigration and its potential toll on our marriage.
The Reality of Immigration and Divorce
We were fully aware of the statistics—how immigration and the dreaded “D word” (divorce) often went hand in hand. We were determined not to become part of that statistic. We didn’t want to risk everything we had worked for and lose everything that meant the world to us. So, we approached the immigration process with what we thought were open eyes.
However, looking back, our eyes were not fully open. Thank God we had already taken steps to fireproof our marriage, or we would have been in much deeper trouble when the stress of immigration hit.
The Naivety of Pre-Immigration
Before we moved, we spoke to many people about what to expect, and a handful of them warned us that we would face significant marital challenges. In hindsight, we realize we were quite arrogant—and maybe a bit naïve—in thinking that immigration wouldn’t affect us the same way it affected others. Our relationship had weathered many storms, personal trials, and traumas, and we truly believed that nothing could compare to what we had already overcome.
But then we moved to a different country with a different culture, far from our families and the familiarity we once took for granted. The stress of settling in, navigating the financial chaos of immigration, adjusting to a new workforce, and dealing with changing family dynamics put enormous pressure on our marriage. On top of that, homesickness and the constant struggle to adapt to a new normal felt like a relentless weight on our shoulders.
The Dark Moments of Immigration
Let me be clear: those who say they never thought of calling it quits are rare. We’ve been here for almost four years now, and I can tell you—we’ve had to make a conscious effort to hold onto our unconditional love and stay focused on our goal of settling here for good. We’ve had countless difficult, heart-wrenching conversations, where we had to be brutally honest about where we stood mentally and emotionally. These conversations have been our saving grace.
There were times when both my husband and I wanted to give up, to tap out. These are the dark moments of immigration that most people don’t talk about, but I feel it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel this way. The more we open up about these struggles, the more we can help others who might be going through the same thing to fireproof their relationships.
How We Managed to Stay Together
So, how did we manage it? How did we keep our marriage intact through the chaos of immigration? First and foremost, we committed to open communication. From the very beginning, we made sure that we were each other’s safe space. We promised that no matter how hard the conversation was, we would listen and support each other. I knew I could tell my husband, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” without him shutting down or walking away. He could express his frustrations and point out my shortcomings without the fear of me losing my cool or shutting down myself. Yes, it took time to process, but we were both okay with that. We’ve learned to understand each other’s knee-jerk reactions and work through them to keep the communication open.
The Importance of Dating Each Other
Another key to fireproofing our marriage was the simple practice of dating each other. Even before we moved, we made a point to carve out time for dates, despite having four school-going kids (nursery, primary, and high school). When we got here, we continued to make time for dates, though on a smaller, budget-friendly scale. Believe me, we’ve had some truly awkward and awkwardly quiet dates—sitting there with mouths full of teeth, struggling to find anything to talk about beyond the weather. But despite how awful those dates felt in the moment, they became a glue that held us together. And those moments of discomfort ended up being part of the foundation that would continue to hold us through all the challenges.
Prioritizing Our Relationship
We’ve had to prioritize our relationship—sometimes at the expense of everything else. As my husband often says, “If we don’t work, none of this works.” He didn’t come all the way to the other side of the planet just to lose me. Keeping an eye on the present and not putting off the hard conversations has been part of our saving grace. We’ve learned to be okay with uncomfortable silences and not to wait until everything is perfect before talking.
Our Fireproofing Practices
So, what does our fireproofing look like? Here’s a quick rundown:
- Recognizing that we are best friends.
- Never wanting to lose that friendship.
- Having difficult conversations, even when it’s hard.
- Going on dates (even if they’re simple and awkward).
- Writing love notes to each other at least once a month—a simple “You are my world” can make all the difference.
- Listening to each other—truly listening, not just hearing.
Marriage: Not Just Surviving, But Growing Stronger Together
Through it all, we’ve learned that marriage, especially amidst the challenges of immigration, isn’t just about surviving—it’s about growing stronger together. And as we continue to navigate this new life, we know that as long as we fireproof our marriage, we can weather any storm that comes our way.
About the Author:
This article was written by Daneka van Niekerk, a South African expat living in Vancouver. She’s passionate about helping others and is an active member of several South African community groups in Canada.
Connect with Daneka on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/daneka-van-niekerk-60b20a11/
